Ok fuck it.

I know it’s been ages since I’ve last posted a blog, and I think that this is in part due to the fact that I am secretly scared of people actually reading them. Even if that is the whole point.

But in this moment I find myself not caring about that one bit. I’m currently typing this while 33998ft up in the air above a Russian town called Kharovsk. The seat next to me is empty, and across the isle a Chinese man lies spread out over a row of three seats, sleeping.

It’s absolutely fucking astounding how life can sometimes just decide to bitch-slap you in the face. Things that offer safety and comfort can suddenly turn around and bite you in the ass. I say things, but of course I mean people. One person in particular. Together for over 10 years. It has been so long since I even had to contemplate a life for myself without this person in it. At first it hurt too much to even think about. But I’m getting better at it, as I’m coming to the realization that our relationship may well be over. That the love of my life, my best friend, my partner in crime, may not love me anymore.

It fucking hurts. I mean, I read the /r/relationships subreddit, I know about these things, and that they hurt. I was just always comfortable in the belief that something like this would never happen to me. I never had to experience it firsthand. I try to lose myself in the here and now, keeping my mind away from thoughts that hurt too much to contemplate. Yet contemplate I must.

Our lives are so entwined, it’s going to be a mess to sort out. Add to that the fact that I am/was the main provider, I find myself feeling sorry for him and wanting to help but I know I must look out for number 1 first now. This is his choice after all, even if on some level I understand he can’t help how he feels. I must now prepare for a life alone. Alone! Since when did that thought become so terrifying. I pride myself on being independent yet somehow the thought of being alone is suddenly horrible.

Not to mention the idea of being single. GOD. I used to always be so happy that all this dating drama was over. SURPRISE! Fuck you life. I have so little experience dating it’s laughable. Not to mention I’m old now :(, or you know, the fact that I’m still in love with someone who doesn’t want me anymore. I might end up alone, and I need to learn to be OK with that. It’s going to take time.

We have set a date a couple of days from now where he will give his final decision. And I mine, I suppose. However, if the past week is any indication I expect a negative. It was like spending time with a different person. It was no longer us against the world, it was him in his, with me on the outside looking in.